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Funniest things guys say to doctors about prostate exams

by | Sep 5, 2019 | Prevention

Check out these hilarious zingers guys made to their doctors before, during or after a prostate exam. Even better, the funniest lines lead to some super-important facts about the procedure. For instance:

Funny vs Fact

“This kinda gives new meaning to ‘the doctor is in.’”

Fact: If you’re wondering how a prostate exam is performed, it’s true that your doctor inserts a gloved, lubricated finger into your rectum. Why? To check the walnut-sized gland for enlargement or growths that could indicate the presence of cancer. This is an extremely important medical procedure for guys, what with 1 in 7 Canadian men developing prostate cancer during their lifetime.

“Hey doc, can you tell I’ve been doing squats?”

Fact: Exercise is great for your health, and so is a prostate exam. After all, when caught early, the survival rate for prostate cancer is close to 100 percent.

“I’m only uncomfortable if I feel both your hands on my shoulders.”

Fact: Comfort, or a lack thereof, isn’t really an issue during prostate exams. No painkillers are used, simply because the procedure isn’t painful.

“Now I know what it feels like to be a muppet.”

Fact: A muppet has a whole hand up its backside for its entire existence. A prostate exam, on the other hand (ha!), involves a single finger and takes just a few minutes.

“So Doc, which Grey Cup did you win?”

Fact: You may not look forward to Prostate Cancer Awareness Month like you do the Grey Cup, but the September-long event does highlight a wide range of great tips for keeping your prostate, and the rest of you, healthy — and getting a prostate exam tops the list. Oh, and doctors always remove their rings while performing the exams.

“Actually Doc, I gave myself a prostate exam yesterday. That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper!”

Fact: There’s no need to worry about fecal matter being part of the procedure. Trust us: It’s no big deal for the doctor, who deals with worse things all the time.

“Any sign of my car keys?”

Fact: Because the early stages of prostate cancer often show no symptoms at all, detecting it ASAP is the only reason you need to get checked. And if the doctor finds your keys, consider it a bonus.

As you can tell, prostate exams are, ahem, the butts of some pretty good one-liners. Here are some more:

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear: “Who was that?”
I had a prostate exam yesterday. That’s the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway!
I went to see my doctor for a prostate exam. There was nothing to worry about — he gave me the thumbs up!

A Great Health Resource for Men

The Men’s Maintenance Guide ebook provides a straightforward, common-sense health-maintenance checklist based on your age. Guys aged 40-54 should start having their prostate health checked every two years, or based on their doctors’ recommendations. For more tips on what to check and when to check it, download The Men’s Maintenance Guide for free today!

Are you trying to get a handle on your health? If so, we’ve got your back!

Download the free “Men’s Maintenance Guide” right now.

Adam Bisby
Adam Bisby

Adam Bisby is a Toronto-based freelance journalist and father of two. His award-winning stories have appeared in The Globe and Mail, Toronto Star and National Post newspapers, in magazines like Explore, Reader’s Digest, International Traveller and Canadian Family, and on websites including MSN, MSN Canada, and DontChangeMuch.ca. Visit Adam’s website for more details on his award winning work.

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  1. Avatar

    Hey Doc, the least you could do is,
    at least buy me a drink , or dinner first!
    Lol !

  2. Avatar

    I asked him to use 2 fingers so i could have a second opinion…

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  4. Avatar

    Good for the first one only: “You are boldly going where no man has gone before.”
    And when I got to be a test subject for a female resident: ” Does this mean we’re going steady now?”


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